Thursday, January 1, 2015

1/1/15 Happy New Year-and at this moment I am

Spent the eve at Yerba Buena High School.  The noise at  a powwow doesn't aggravate me like most loud noises do.  I actually find it soothing.  Opera and loud noises usually make me very angry. 

Had an Indian taco for the first time.  I actually had $7 I could spend on food.  I usually consider it a luxury that doesn't last so last year I spent $5 on alabaster and hematite stretch bracelets.  Then I was too full.  It was very good and I ate every huge bite. 

So today is washing sheets and general housekeeping.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Best Halloween ever

Realized today that the dread I have living at Nobili is old dread and probably not even my feelings.  A was never home because she hated it there and yet she chose to move back and try to get Mit and I to live with her.  Crazy!!!!

It occurred to me that living in a camper would make me feel light.

And give me time to organize the mess.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Ouch-Feeling the Healing

Mourning what I never had and maybe never will.  Mourning what I had instead.  Mourning what might have been.  My body is so stiff and sore.  The body remembers every blow. 

My head's been hurting on the outside.  My feet, legs, everything at different times.

I was up and down all night.  Watched dvds to fall asleep. 

I've just been feeling stressed and tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired. 

The only way to heal is to feel it and process.  Wait for it to dissipate.

I had a very weird, quiet weekend. Saturday Costco gas b4 the rain predicted.  Fresh and Easy two dinners.  Maria came by, no phone call to drop off JCP shirt that just isn't me.  I was in the middle of excavating the stove so I sent her off to finish.  Talked to no one Sunday and felt so calm.  Maybe I just want a bs free zone.  Give me the bottom line


Friday, October 17, 2014

wonder when

I'm still processing.  Walter Jr. and Walter Sr. are mirroring me and dad.  I get to watch from the outside and hope for the best. 

It's miraculous how God presents just what I need. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Patience-Thursday10-2-2014Wednesday nite adventure

Yesterday I was feeling very fragile, uncomfortable.  T had scheduled Mon. Tue. to come over and help at the house.  Postponed until Wed. and changed plan to dinner Della made, cornbread and chili.  Then he invited me to SF Thurs. to hear a friend play at Biscuits and Blues at 7:30.  He called at 2:30 to say 5 pickup.  I asked if I should eat b4 and he got all flustered about the new idea.  So he agreed to burger in-n-out.  I said I'd rather McD or BK and he agreed.  So then of course, he was late, 5:30 and drove Monroe to LX to Homestead to Wolfe.  Refused to go the easy way to Wolfe.  Drove to Vallco.  McD moved.  Bk  the other side of complex so we drove aimlessly up SCrkBlvd u-turned back to DeAnza and proceeded to drive towards Saratoga.  Saw a BK on the right, couldn't get over, made another U-turn and got food.  He needed to eat, ranting he was a child who only thought of himself and he was late because only his time was important and nobody liked him.  People will only put up with him for so long and he was going to live under a bridge but first he'd kill himself.

This after Della loaned him her car and Julie is counting on him to housesit for two weeks. 

So after I ate I felt better, he was still upset with me saying we can't get along.  I just let him wear himself out.  Going to SF was exciting.  Drove along the bay.  So beautiful.  I was commenting and he yelled at me to be quiet and what was wrong with me.  He was nervous he never drove b4.  Was driven.  Parked in garage 2 doors away. Got there at 7:30.  They hadn't started.  Loco was there.  They were all Common Ground Hill buddies.  We took Loco home.

I had Anderson Valley oatmeal stout.  He had two cuba libres.  $6.50 and $20.00.  I paid drinks $36 tax and tip for great service.  He paid Bk and pkg.

Best time I've had in a loonngg time.

Just what I needed.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

toxic parents-susan forward phd

Read about it in last last Sunday's paper.  Last last Monday I started looking for it at the libraries.  Found one in SV  and another SCity.  Picked up SV last Saturday, and SCity on Sunday with St Justin lunch.  Read it all by Sunday.  I have yet to do the exercises.

I find it interesting that some of the exercises I've already done on my own.  

Go Figure.  I finally watched Nurse Betty in its entirety.  1999.  Dad's last six months was such hell for me.  A torturing us all.  Not being able to sleep with his wandering and waking me up.  Trying to work to pay bills.  

The week he died getting no sleep because A insisted on me taking him to her chiropractor (that she'd never been to in south san jose) on a Tuesday, listening to him cry and complain, begging for Vicodin.   My chiropractor that I'd seen on a regular basis in Santa Clara wasn't good enough for her diabolical plans.  Then her insisting I take him Thursday because the chiro was going on vacation.  I refused so she guilted Mit into taking him so Mit would say Mit killed him.  He died that Sunday in Kaiser.

Weird how I didn't know this writing would come out like this.  I kept seeing parts of the movie and couldn't wrap my head around it.  Then when I tried to find it to watch it I couldn't.  So yesterday (Daily Word freedom) I decided to go to Milpitas Grt Mall and stopped by Northside library and there it was along with other dvds I wanted to watch and the Cricket for Dummies.  

Somehow the movie in 1999 was linked to my discomfort still remaining from then.  

Unconsciously I chose the time frame to release the remainder of my pain, grief and anger about Sunday, September 5, 1999.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Doing more now and enjoying it more!

This is the most I've done for the longest continuous number of days.  From Monday the 4th I drove CJ to Fremont, Tuesday Campbell library, Saturday Northside library opening, Sunday Main library, Monday ,Tuesday PGE meeting, Wednesday movie TMNT in 3D dinner at TD's, And today's the 14th.

It's been 14 years. 

And what do I Want To Do?  Been watching 3rd Rock from the Sun.