Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Almost forgot Scott-skylight

So dad's 40yr old skylit finally got a new top yesterday.  Doesn't look $250 worth.  Well, what goes around comes around.  I don't mind the $250 for labor but I wonder how long the guarantee lasts on the cover.

It's been a looonnnggg time-First post 2014

I hadn't realized how long it's been. 

I guess I'm a lot calmer than I realized.

I'm still dealing with the family curse.  Had my tooth crowned $800.  Still paying for it.  Like my family.  Paying for their sins.  Missing the target.  Huh. 

I never know what I'm going to come up with until I start writing.  I suppose I should write therapeutically. 

Janet came back from HI vacation and brought me candy from Uncle Dickie.  She makes me laugh.  She said be sure to send him a thankyou so he wouldn't think she ate it.  The first time I talked to her was at the library lecture on chocolate and she was there with her elderly neighbor.  I won a bag of books and she won huge chocolate bars.  She had dropped her ticket on the floor and said she never won.  Then, she doesn't eat candy so her neighbor and I benefited.  So I offered her my books in trade and she said she doesn't read.  I think she's hilarious.  I think it's her delight in not liking to read. 

So Friday I have another tooth to fix.  The domino effect. 

Physically I've been able to function so much better.  Emotionally I'm still learning.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Pain-free paint

The Pain from the past                                                         
Tomas was kind enough to choose the paint contractor for me.  I was emotionally paralyzed.  Too many decisions on what to leave behind from the past.                                                                      
I've been taking a vacation from my life here at 449 Zaton.  Spending 70% here, 25% at seniors, and 5% at 2281 Nobili av.
 Della's at Mary's in Ariz.

Strange new sensations, pain?  in different parts of the body.       

I called them Mon. 23rd and had tue and wed Christmas to adjust to the idea.  They started Thu and even came 10 min. early.   

Sunday, December 22, 2013

more pain surfacing-pain in paint

I have a new roof.  And now the painting.  And the terror of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and the resulting fear of lifelong humiliation is back. 

Ouch!!!!!  My shoulder blades feel as if I'm growing wings.  Hopefully something equally good arises.  Who knows?

All the physical trauma of being abused and the emotional pain of what my mom in her ignorance (I hope) encouraged A to become a sociopath by approving of the torture and laughing.  

Mom went out of her way to impress on me All through my childhood how retarded I was, until I went to kindergarten and tested as gifted.  One of the many family jokes about me, singling me out as the family joke.  Not the family comedian, but the family joke.  The literal butt of the family. 

How I was weirdly careful as an infant and never fell off the couch.  Did she want me to??

How I hated carrying my own soiled diapers.  Who would enjoy that??

And every day some new humiliation to endure.  I became terrific at enduring.   Observing my sisters given their every hearts' desire and "poor susan" learning to look the other way and pretending not to hear the laughter and learning not to care.

I learned to care for other things.  What is truly valuable,  what is truly important.  What is necessary, what is the minimum?  They left me nothing else.

My life so far has been barely surviving.  The depression, fear, solitude, all a flashback of my childhood.  

I guess that's what makes it so scary, I thought it was behind me and once again the same feelings are back.  

Out on my own from 1-39 yrs I learned coping behaviors, but was I really living?  Guess not if it's back.

Mr. Rhodes my advisor and first employer ( I tutored his daughter in math from a D to a B) was the first adult to help me.  He paid for me to go to a weekend Christian camp in Ben Lomond and applied to the colleges for me.  

I knew I'd have to pay my own way as always.  So I chose SJSU.  What would I have become with support??

I asked M&D why if I was such a retarded burden they kept Aunty Katchan from adopting me.  Mom said dad wouldn't allow it.  He wouldn't answer.  Confronting them at 39 may seem foolish but A only told me at 35.  Now I know he was just jealous.  Like the night he put my aquarium on the porch in the middle of winter, trying to kill my fish.  

And he taught Mit to do the same with my parakeets.  

Feeling exhausted. 

Got 4 estimates:  Affordable Ptg, HouseDrs, Faith Ptg, and Alfredo Perez.  

After the stress of finding and choosing a roofing contractor I'm emotionally and physically wasted. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

Not feeling adult at all

Finally in to the body of this blog.  There are so many downloads on this computer#12 that popups keep covering the screen.  Like life itself.  Last week weak. Inundated with avalanche of old feelings cascading over and around me.

Tomas has been so supportive.  Took me for hearing test at Sears so I could feel I  was moving forward.

I'm raw and open like a newborn.  Wahhhh!!!

I feel like I'm doing a vision quest.  Standing in the fog, waiting for it to rise or dissipate.

This strange page won't let me preview.

Time for something completely different.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

AND ON ...

Storm clouds, so Woods roofing (rolfing) is watching the skies.  Report is rain north bay and its iffy here so....Postponed two days, whether the weather.

Yesterday I felt lousy.  The only word that covers the feeling.  Started catching cold Sat nite after dinner with Della and Tomas.  He called at 3, while I was filling the green bin.  Invited me to drive over and out to dinner.  So I stopped, put everything away and rested for 1 1/2 hrs.  Since he asked I felt I wanted to see him and Della.  

Next a. m. didn't feel so good.  Stayed in bed Sunday til 2, feeling so tired and dragged out.  Sneezing and blowing my nose.  And so cold.   

monday braced myself for the afternoon hearing test at Sears.  Went Srs and did my regular routine, exercise and computer.  Paid con-cellular still feeling lousy.  Forced myself to PGE pay and home.  

Tomas came by 3:40 and brought in green bins.  And we went to Sears.  He did the familiar voice and the strange thing is Kyle didn't say to face Tomas while he read from a list of words.  Tomas sometimes doesn't speak clearly but he enunciated and kept the volume fairly constant.  

The electronic part was in a sound proof booth.  There was a window and a signalling device like on Jeopardy.  So much fun.  I had a hard time not laughing the whole time.  The left headphone started humming on the second part of the test while testing the right ear.  My left ear hears better.  Most of my stretching work has been on the left. Time to stretch out the right side of my neck and shoulder.  

Tomas took me to Pho. Hurray!!!  My shoulder blades  were so sore.  I told Tomas I was growing wings.  I'm so funny.  That tofu veg soup fixed me right up.  A new Susan.

Friday, November 15, 2013


The last ten days!!  Got more estimates on the roof.  $21k, $25k, $14,600, and finally $14,400.  Woods roofing explained and itemized the most completely.  Maybe it was that I felt comfortable getting estimates by the last one.  By the third, Western roofing, I was starting to accept this major investment.  Woods also said they could start next week Tuesday and might be done by Friday if nothing unexpected came up.  Western was booked through November.  

So today I'm feeling exhausted.  God and I have done a lot the last ten days.  Hurray!! ME!!

I've been busy every day.  Taking care of me and my responsibilities.  Libraries, St. Justine, Sr Ctr., home.